I have something that I have been wanting to blog about for some time now, but haven't really had the time, energy, etc, to do so. In actuality, I have been searching for the right words, the right time, the right moment for a long time, and up until tonight, have just used a lot of excuses instead of truths.
But before I begin, let me say this..
If you are a new(er) reader, and don't know who Xander is, or what happened between myself & him, I would strongly suggest that you read this first, and then these just so you can get the full magnitude of this entry, in its entirety.
That being said, here we go.
"..Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business. Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another's control... to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees you. It extracts you from someone else's nightmare..."
- Lance Morrow
It's finally happened.
That moment, that uncertainty, all of it. It's gone.
As most of you know, I have spent the past 4.5, almost 5 years, working through a lot of heartache, pain, and sadness. I lost my abusive ex-fiancee to suicide at the tender age of 19. Not only did I loose him, but I dealt with so much more than just his sudden death. After he died, my world was shattered. My life seemed unimportant, and I turned to many different outlets, with only a few of them positive. This blog, was one of the few positive outlets. Drugs and alcohol, promiscuous sex, all of it was a way "out" without actually taking the easy way. There were so many feelings swirling around me, that at times, I honestly felt like I was choking. Then the sleepless nights started, and the painful flashbacks. I started remembering being raped, I started remembering the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse that I tolerated and allowed, for loving him.
I use the words tolerated & allowed because I did. No, I am not placing blame on myself anymore, but I am going to use those words because I could have gotten out. I never could understand, in the beginning, why I stayed. Why I allowed such anger and abuse to be used against me. I still don't, some days. But honestly, I allowed it because I loved him. He had a hold on me, that I can't to this day, even understand. But I have grown, in these horrific years, these years of growth and discovery, of anguish and hopelessness.
I never thought I would make it, and it still stops my breathing at times to remember all I have survived. I have been made a human punching bag. I have been a human ashtray. I have been raped repeatedly in only one days' time. I have been told that I am stupid, a whore, a bitch, a cunt, just to name a few. And on top of all of that, I have purposefully put my body and mind through abuse. Drugs. Unsafe sex. I'm not sharing this to sound noble. The truth hurts sometimes, but it has to be said. One truth that I think constantly: I am lucky to be alive. Therapy has not only helped me, it has begun to let the Heather under the surface come out, the Heather I've been longing to meet.
I have met so many people along this gut-wrenching journey. Some I have lost, some I have gained. I've had my share of disappointments along the way. I tend to have a hard time relating to those my age who blog. They always seem so carefree, so happy, and I was never any of those things. I never really blogged about SATC, or Christian Dior's latest design. I was always blogging about a painful memory, or a horrific flashback that ripped me from sleep in the middle of the night. I've found a lot of friends, and a lot of foes through blogging. I've joined networks, and communities all over the internet, but nothing had prepared me for the outpouring of love and support that I've received from this blog. And now, my life is changing even more. I have met someone, someone who loves me for me. Someone who accepts me, baggage and all, and I am going to marry this man. I am happy. I am healthy. I have begun to truly heal, and move on. I have started to get to know a "me" that I am anxious to become.
In this journey, I have never really 100% reached the point of forgiveness. I've always wanted it, savored after it, but never quite reached it. Until now. For the first time in my life, I can let this go.
I had my AHA! moment while in therapy. I remembered something horrific, a painful night that my mind had literally erase from the forefront of my brain. The night started with Xander doing drugs, and ended with me naked, broken, bleeding, and unconscious at the bottom of the stairs. And as every detail of the memory came slamming back into my mind, I felt clammy and sick to my stomach. I could literally feel him pound his body against mine, I could hear the painful words ringing in my ears, and I could feel the bile start to rise up in my throat all over again. It was as if I was watching a horror movie unfold right in front of me, only I was the star of the show. I literally had to shut my eyes tight, hoping against all hope, that I could force the memory to stop coming. And then I realized that to gain control of my life, to stop these horrific events from reoccurring in my mind, I had to tell him enough was enough.
I have forgiven you, Xander. I forgive you.
I don't think anyone can know the release I got from saying those words during a therapy session for the first time in my life. For the past 4, almost 5 years, I've just been this girl, lost..without him. Without anything. It has opened up a barrage of new feelings for me. When he choose to rape me, he took away a little part of me. When he choose to hit or kick me, he took away more of me. But I have taken it back by forgiving him. And while it's amazing, and wonderful, it scares me.
Where does this leave me?
I almost feel like a part of myself is gone now because all I've ever done is sad, overwhelmed or destroyed. I don't know how to "do happy" anymore. In all actuality, I don't even know if I ever knew how to be happy. I'm scared of who the new me will be, but I realize too, that forgiveness and letting go don't always come hand in hand. Each step, each memory will haunt me. It will force me to be reminded of my past. But I can handle that. In order to enjoy my present, and look towards my future, I have to let go of my past. So there it is. That is my monumental news, my biggest feat, my most exciting update for all to see.
And most of all, out of everything I've gained from this..I have gained a new me.
A new me that I am proud to be.
And I couldn't have done it without you.
